The eating contest

The pain in my stomach was intense, a clear protest at what I was putting it through, but I didn't care - just one more spoonful of broccoli and I would win. I lifted the spoon to my mouth, the mound of florets which ten minutes ago would have seemed so small and insignificant, now appeared as if it was a mountain of green, an insurmountable challenge that not even the hungriest man with the largest appetite in the world could survive. The spoon entered my mouth and I began to chew, but as I did I knew it was pointless. I felt an eruption brewing in my belly and I knew it was futile to resist. My eyes met Barry's and I could see the disappointment there. He'd believed in me, but I'd let him down. The rest sat on the edge of their seats, waiting expectantly. They weren't kept for long. I exploded, a torrent of green spewing from my mouth. I was vaguely aware of cheering but it seemed to be far away. I fell to my knees in anguish, knowing I'd failed....

But here I am again telling you the end before the start. You are probably wondering what happened to me after you last left me, running down the dark tunnel, the naan bread monster and riddling spider in my wake, and how I came to be vomiting broccoli. Well if we're quick, I might just have time to explain now...

After the narrow escape I had followed my saviour, the smallish, greenish alligator, blindly in the dark. He had quickly deviated from the main tunnel that I had been following down a side passage that I would never have seen where it not for him. Whether there had been similar alleys along the duration of the tunnel that I had simply missed I guess I'll never know, but it seemed to lead to a whole sequence of interconnected enclosed paths. Left, right, right and then left again we weaved and it wasn't long before I had completely lost track of the way we had come. Whilst at first this made me panic, when I thought about it I didn't really know where it was we had started from, and so getting back there wouldn't really help me in any way. At least this way, the naan bread monster would have difficulty following us (particularly if he had been as delayed as I was by the rather annoying spider and its non-sensical puzzles). Eventually the alligator slowed down and finally stopped. I came to a halt alongside, puffing and panting - the constant running of the last few hours beginning to take its tole.
"I think we're safe now," stated the alligator, "that was a close one!"
I breathlessly grunted agreement.
"I'm Barry the alligator by the way, but you can just call me Barry - all my friends do."
"I'm Rupert. Rupert Dickory. Thanks for saving me!"
"Saving you?"
"You know, back at the spider's web. With the monster and the riddle..."
"Really? Oh... yes, of course. Sorry, I have the worst memory! What are you doing down here anyway. I haven't seen one of your kind down in....well....a long time...In fact, ever! What are you, by the way?"
"I'm a boy," I said, only feeling slightly silly at explaining this fact to a talking alligator. "And as for how I got here, well...I don't really know where here is - I fell down the toilet and I guess I'm stuck here until I can find a way home. I don't suppose you can help me can you?"
The alligator nodded insanely.
"I can help. I'm good at helping people I am. If I help you, will you be my friend?"
Barry looked at me expectantly. I didn't really have a choice did I?
"Brilliant!" Barry squeaked excitedly when I told him that I would. "Now we're best friends you can come with me to the party." The alligator checked his watch - a 1980s cheapish looking digital one - and then looked panicked. "Come on, we'll be late if we don't hurry." And with that he ran off again, into the gloomy network of tunnels.

Now, putting aside the fact that I don't remember agreeing to be his best friend, and that all I really wanted to do was start looking for a way out of this place, not to go to a party (particularly one where I was the guest of a forgetful alligator named Barry), I was completely lost in these tunnels, and following Barry was my only option. And anyway, a party meant more people (well, at least more talking animals) and maybe one of them would be able to help me get back home, even if Barry couldn't.

I'm sure you're very bored by now of me describing long and pointless pursuits through the endless tunnels that seemed to make up this strange world, and so I'll just skip fifteen minutes forward in the tale to our arrival at our destination. We had come to a stop in the tunnel next to, what could only be described as, a bright blue door. And this door was very bright. Even in the gloom of the passage it was clearly visible. I could only imagine how bright it would be if it was in normal daylight back in 'my' world. Barry turned to me. I didn't see where he had gotten it from, but he was now wearing a small red dickie bow which he straightened up with his green hands.
"Do I look ok?" he asked. Not knowing what else to do, I nodded.
"Its quite a fancy party you see. I wouldn't want to turn up looking like a scruff." He looked me up and down. "You'll just have to do as you are." Self consciously, I looked down at my tatted and muddy clothes.
"Come on," said the alligator, "let's go," and he led the way through the bright blue door.

If the room that we appeared into on the other side of the door was anything but a dark, dingy tunnel it was going to be an improvement. It was only when my eyes adjusted back to seeing some light that I realised just what an improvement this room was! Imagine a large dining room in a country mansion and you wouldn't be far off. A large oak table covered in a white table cloth, with a candelabra in the centre and surrounded by high backed wooden seats was the centre piece. Packed bookshelves and cabinets showing off expensive plates lined the walls. All that was missing was a large window looking out on to the English countryside! Instead an expensive looking navy blue curtain covered one wall, and I had the sudden urge to go and look behind it. Maybe the rolling hills would be there. I didn't though, because I didn't want to offend any of Barry's friends, who sat in the seats around the table.

Two hours ago I had been leading a perfectly normal life with my mum in our small house. It goes some way to show how crazy those last hundred and twenty minutes had been when I didn't even bat an eyelid on seeing the various guests at the party. There was a badger wearing a cocktail dress, a sunflower in sunglasses, and, sat at the head of the table, a monkey in a business suit.

"These are my friends," explained Barry to me. "Guys, meet Rupert!"
The three animals sat at the table didn't seemed that excited to see me. They all looked up, sat in silence for three seconds, and then the Monkey turned back to the other two and started talking in a posh, english accent.
"...As I was saying, this Merlot is good, but not as good as the '79."
Barry climbed up into one of the two spare seats, and so with my only other option being to stand around like a lemon, I decided to sit in the other (although, if I had been a lemon, I might have felt more at home in this company...)

I was sat with Barry to my left, and the shades-wearing sunflower to my right. The sunflower bent its long green neck down and whispered into my ear, "Alright mate, my name's Wayne. Sorry about being rude when you arrived and not saying hello. It's just we don't like Barry, and so we can't be seen to be being in any way friendly towards him. Nothin' personal." It spoke with a thick scouse accent despite having no apparent mouth. The shades did give it a vaguely face like presence though, as I'm sure you can image.
"No, that's fine," I said, wanting to continue the conversation but not knowing what else to say.

The monkey was now talking about stocks and shares,"....and so I sold them for a 137p and made myself a tidy profit..." with the badger looking on, enthralled. Barry was also listening in and decided that the conversation would be better if he got involved.
"I once tried to buy three-sevenths of a toilet roll company."
The monkey looked up again, stared at Barry for a second, and then turned back to the badger and continued his conversation as if Barry hadn't said anything, "...and so I reinvested the proceeds into a high-risk start up."

I lent over to the sunflower and whispered into its....well, petals I guess.
"Why do you all ignore Barry?"
"Err, I don't really know. Charles does and so we all do." I assumed that Charles was the monkey.

Clearly not perturbed, Barry tried again.
"I brought Rupert to chat to you - I thought that he might know about some of the things that you like to talk about."
The monkey looked up, and this time stared at me. It was an uncomfortable look that in some ways was more worrying than anything else that had happened so far.
"And what," asked the monkey, "might I ask, is it?"
"Its a 'boy'," proclaimed Barry, proudly.
"A boy....hmmm." The monkey continued to stare at me. "I think I've read about them. I believe that there is one chain of thought that suggests that monkeys evolved from boys, if you can possibly believe it?"
Not wanting to upset the apparently delicate situation, I decided not to correct the monkey's obvious scientific error.
"And what, if again I may ask, can this boy do that makes him so special? Can he juggle?" The monkey picked up 3 of the carrots from his plate and threw them up in the air, juggling them like a clown would at a circus performance.

Barry looked at me expectantly, and i knew what I must do. I picked up three of the carrots from my own place and tried to remember how to juggle. I had been taught by my friend Barney Tompkinson one lunchtime at school, but that had been a few years ago, and I hadn't been any good, even back then. I tried my best and managed to keep the carrots in the air for a good fifteen seconds before they came crashing down, one landing in the Sunflower's soup.
"Hmmmpph." The monkey didn't look impressed. "So juggling isn't your cup of tea. Well, perhaps this so called boy is good at climbing?" and he leapt up onto one of the bookshelves, clambering quickly to the summit and leaping off to swing on the chandelier in the middle of the roof, before somersaulting back down into his seat. The other animals all applauded.

Again, with another expectant, and increasingly desperate, look from Barry I stood up and tried to climb up the bookshelf. It was harder than it looked, and I felt that at any moment it could come crashing down under my weight. After a rather unconvincing 5 minutes of struggle, and flabbergasted silence from the animals, I made it to the top. My dismount wan't quite as elegant as the monkey's, more of a collapse into a heap on the floor, followed by a muted response of one of two embarrassed claps. A big ball of tumbleweed bounced through the room, before disappearing as mysteriously as it had arrived.

"Hmmmmppphh." Again the monkey didn't seem overly impressed, but he hadn't managed to beat me quite yet in what had now obviously become a competition. The problem was that the only victor there was ever going to be was the monkey, the question being how many random tasks could he challenge me to before I failed to complete one.

The competition continued. Running round the table twenty times; building a 1:8th scale model of the Cutty Sark; baking a novelty cake in the shape of a popular children's television character; all challenges that the monkey excelled at and I barely completed. But still he couldn't find anything that I couldn't do, however poor the execution.

Finally, the monkey looked worn out.
"Well, Rupert, I must say you've done better than I thought. I guess you boys aren't as useless as you lo..."
Just as I was on the verge of, if not a victory, a well earned draw, the badger decided to chip in.
"How about you each try and eat a big bowl of broccoli..."

I could lie and say that it turned out well, that I yet again completed the task and that I could hold my head high with pride, having impressed the animals enough that they accepted not just me, but Barry as well. But you'd know it wasn't true, mainly because I've already explained what happened (damn my non-linear story telling technique!)

Instead, I sat on the floor, with green sick all around me, feeling terrible. I'd let Barry down badly. I recognised that he had needed me to impress these creatures so that they would accept him, and I'd failed. The monkey came over, clearly about to rub my face in it (hopefully metaphorically). Instead, he offered me his hand.
"Well done old chap, that was terrific spewing!" And he let out a big laugh. "You're ok, you are." And he patted me on the back.

I had earned the monkey's respect, and all I had had to do was puke my guts up. I stood up, feeling triumphant. The monkey helped me back into my seat, and poured me a glass of wine.
"I raise a toast...to the boy."
"THE BOY!!!" everyone else shouted.

Barry winked at me, and I let out a grin, and felt happy for the first time all day. Maybe these animals would help me get back to my world. The monkey in particular seemed quite intelligent. Maybe he would know of a way back...

And then there was a knock on the door. The animals all looked around confused. They clearly weren't expecting anyone else. A familiar laugh came from the other side. I felt my heart sink. Somehow, the naan bread monster had found me.....

The spider's web

Help! I've fallen down the toilet - dragged into the dingy, dark world beyond the U-bend. Monsters are after me, an alligator called Barry wants to be my new best friend and there is a strange smell everywhere that I don't think I'll ever get used to...

But again I'm getting ahead of myself. Where were we again? Ahh yes - I'd told you about the curry, the bearded man who lived in the shadows selling magical chillies, and the naan bread monster that dragged me into this dark world. But did I tell you about the chase through the tunnels, the ginormous spider's web and how I met Barry? I didn't...well I might just have enough time to do so now...

As I've previously said - I'm the county cross-country running champion. I'm not trying to be big headed by repeating the fact every five minutes, it just hopefully helps you understand just how relentless the naan bread monster's pursuit of me was when I say that after what seemed like an eternity (but was probably closer to an hour) of running hard through the pitch blackness, I could still hear him cackling nearby. My eyes had started to adjust to the darkness - instead of everything being black, everything was now different shades of very dark grey. It was still difficult to see anything, but at least I could just about make out obstacles in my path (not well enough to avoid them, but well enough to see what I'd just hit). I could also now tell that I was running through what appeared to be a long tunnel with a low curved roof. The floor's solidity varied quite substantially. Sometimes it felt hard and firm underfoot, like I was running on the pavement, whereas at certain points I had to run through (what I hoped was) shin deep water. Other times, my feet squelched through something inbetween the two. I tried not to think what this could be - but it was difficult, what with the constant smell that surrounded me. Sometimes I didn't hear the naan bread monster for five minutes or so and I let my hopes rise that I had outran him. But everytime I began to relax his evil cackle would echo through the tunnel.

I began to wonder just how long I could carry on. The longest race I had ever ran before was less than an hour in length, and i hadn't run this fast then. I momentarily began to wonder whether this would count as a county record, but quickly dismissed the idea as ridiculous (there wasn't an official timekeeper present). My legs began to tire, my feet started to ache. I'd heard other runners speaking about 'hitting the wall' - reaching the point where you could not run any further. I'd always assumed it was a metaphorical wall, all in the mind, but when I finally hit it, the wall seemed ever so real. I fell to the floor, my face stinging with agony, my nose throbbing with pain. I looked up, to discover that it wasn't a wall I had ran into, but a giant spider's web covering the tunnel. None of the other runners had ever spoken about hitting one of these. I immediately recoiled from it - for where there was a spider's web the chances were that there wasn't a spider too far away. And I was terrified of spiders. I think it was the way that they moved that scared me the most. That, and the fact they looked so ugly. With their multiple eyes and hairy legs.

I heard this spider before I saw it, and this was probably the one thing that stopped me from sprinting in the opposite direction as quickly as I could, being so stunned I literally couldn't move. It was about the size of a football, and spoke in a Geordie accent.
"Don't be scared. I'm only twelve," it said. I didn't know what to say, so I stood without talking.

Clearly embarrassed by the awkward silence, the spider continued.
"What's wrong?" it asked, "you look terrified".
I explained about the naan bread monster.
"Was it a peshwari?"
"Erm... No, just a plain one I think."
The spider looked disappointed.
"It could have been garlic and coriander I suppose," I ventured.
This made it look slightly more enthused. So much so that it began to grin.
"Ahh that's Regie".
"Regie? You know him?"
"Everybody knows Regie".
"He's trying to kill me!"
The spider laughed.
"Yep, that's Regie for you!"

Despite his ambivalent attitude towards my impending doom I sensed that the spider wasn't all bad, not in the same way as Regie the naan bread monster was, and so I asked it for help. Having mulled it over for a minute (which I spent nervously glancing over my shoulder) he eventually made a decision.
"I'll let you through on one condition."
"Anything," I replied desperately.
"You must answer this riddle - what is bigger than a mountain, yet smaller a mouse. Bluer than the ocean, yet greener the grass. Louder than a really loud noise, yet quieter than something that makes no sound...."
The spider continued in much this vane but I soon lost concentration. I was terrible at riddles at the best of times, but with the fear of the current situation I found myself in, I didn't stand a chance. Surely it wouldn't be long now until the naan bread monster came round the corner and finished me off...

Just then, I heard a small voice from off to the side of the tunnel.
"I can help. I know the answer."
I looked to where the voice had come from and saw, hidden in the shadows a small green alligator. Could this day get any stranger?!

The spider was still droaning on with his riddle, seemingly oblivious to the new arrival.
"...wetter than water, yet drier than a towel..."
"Ok then, what is it?" I whispered to the alligator.
"What's what?"
"The answer!"
"Ahh yes, sorry, I thought you were talking about something else."
"What else could I possibly be talking about?! We've just met each other 15 seconds ago and the only thing we've spoken about is the answer to the riddle!"
"Good point!" the alligator said, chuckling to himself. He may have offered to save my life, but he was already beginning to annoy me.
"What is it then?"
He gave me a blank look, and I seriously thought that he was going to tell me he'd forgotten what we'd been talking about again, or that he didn't actually know the answer to the question, but that he knew a purple goblin who might. Just when I was about to throttle him, he piped up.
"It's an Octopus."
"What?"
"The answer to the riddle, its an Octopus."
"How is it an Octopus?! That makes no sense."
"I don't know. I don't even know what an Octopus is. But it was me who told the spider the riddle in the first place. I made it up!" Th alligator looked very pleased with himself. "I'm good at making up riddles."
Deciding that I didn't have any other options (and not wanting to shatter the simple looking alligator's illusions) I turned to the spider and repeated the answer.

The spider looked at me. "On Octopus?!" it said, it a tone that made me feel incredibly stupid. Why had I listened to the alligator, and its clearly ridiculous answer.
"You're right!! How did you get that? That's one of my more difficult riddles."
"Lucky guess I suppose. So will you let me through now?" I was impatient at the best of times. This was torture for me.
"I suppose so," said the spider reluctantly, "although Regie will never forgive me."
And with a shrug of his spider shoulders, he began to unravel his web.

Two minutes later, he was still unravelling. The cackle of the naan bread monster echoed through the tunnel - he was very close now.
"I'm going as fast as I can," the spider protested when I screamed at him to hurry up. "Blimey, you'd think you'd be a bit more grateful considering I'm saving your life!"
Not at this rate, I thought to myself.

Just when i thought it was all over, and the naan bread monster would catch me before the spider had even unravelled one-eighth of his web, the alligator, who I'd completely forgotten about, came out of the shadows and made a running leap at the spider's web. I didn't think, I just jumped through the whole that he had made in it. The spider let out a high pitched, geordie accented, scream.
"Follow me" shouted the alligator, and not knowing what else to do, I did.
"I owe you one," I gratefully said to the Alligator as we ran quickly into the gloomy tunnel, away from the advancing naan bread monster and the distraught spider.
"Well, two actually, but let's not get pedantic about these things," the alligator replied.
I didn't feel like I could argue and so I just followed him. Wherever he was taking me surely couldn't be as worse than being eaten alive by a giant naan bread, or bored to death by a riddling spider.

Unfortunately, it was. Much worse.

But I'm afraid that will have to be a tale for another day...