The spider's web

Help! I've fallen down the toilet - dragged into the dingy, dark world beyond the U-bend. Monsters are after me, an alligator called Barry wants to be my new best friend and there is a strange smell everywhere that I don't think I'll ever get used to...

But again I'm getting ahead of myself. Where were we again? Ahh yes - I'd told you about the curry, the bearded man who lived in the shadows selling magical chillies, and the naan bread monster that dragged me into this dark world. But did I tell you about the chase through the tunnels, the ginormous spider's web and how I met Barry? I didn't...well I might just have enough time to do so now...

As I've previously said - I'm the county cross-country running champion. I'm not trying to be big headed by repeating the fact every five minutes, it just hopefully helps you understand just how relentless the naan bread monster's pursuit of me was when I say that after what seemed like an eternity (but was probably closer to an hour) of running hard through the pitch blackness, I could still hear him cackling nearby. My eyes had started to adjust to the darkness - instead of everything being black, everything was now different shades of very dark grey. It was still difficult to see anything, but at least I could just about make out obstacles in my path (not well enough to avoid them, but well enough to see what I'd just hit). I could also now tell that I was running through what appeared to be a long tunnel with a low curved roof. The floor's solidity varied quite substantially. Sometimes it felt hard and firm underfoot, like I was running on the pavement, whereas at certain points I had to run through (what I hoped was) shin deep water. Other times, my feet squelched through something inbetween the two. I tried not to think what this could be - but it was difficult, what with the constant smell that surrounded me. Sometimes I didn't hear the naan bread monster for five minutes or so and I let my hopes rise that I had outran him. But everytime I began to relax his evil cackle would echo through the tunnel.

I began to wonder just how long I could carry on. The longest race I had ever ran before was less than an hour in length, and i hadn't run this fast then. I momentarily began to wonder whether this would count as a county record, but quickly dismissed the idea as ridiculous (there wasn't an official timekeeper present). My legs began to tire, my feet started to ache. I'd heard other runners speaking about 'hitting the wall' - reaching the point where you could not run any further. I'd always assumed it was a metaphorical wall, all in the mind, but when I finally hit it, the wall seemed ever so real. I fell to the floor, my face stinging with agony, my nose throbbing with pain. I looked up, to discover that it wasn't a wall I had ran into, but a giant spider's web covering the tunnel. None of the other runners had ever spoken about hitting one of these. I immediately recoiled from it - for where there was a spider's web the chances were that there wasn't a spider too far away. And I was terrified of spiders. I think it was the way that they moved that scared me the most. That, and the fact they looked so ugly. With their multiple eyes and hairy legs.

I heard this spider before I saw it, and this was probably the one thing that stopped me from sprinting in the opposite direction as quickly as I could, being so stunned I literally couldn't move. It was about the size of a football, and spoke in a Geordie accent.
"Don't be scared. I'm only twelve," it said. I didn't know what to say, so I stood without talking.

Clearly embarrassed by the awkward silence, the spider continued.
"What's wrong?" it asked, "you look terrified".
I explained about the naan bread monster.
"Was it a peshwari?"
"Erm... No, just a plain one I think."
The spider looked disappointed.
"It could have been garlic and coriander I suppose," I ventured.
This made it look slightly more enthused. So much so that it began to grin.
"Ahh that's Regie".
"Regie? You know him?"
"Everybody knows Regie".
"He's trying to kill me!"
The spider laughed.
"Yep, that's Regie for you!"

Despite his ambivalent attitude towards my impending doom I sensed that the spider wasn't all bad, not in the same way as Regie the naan bread monster was, and so I asked it for help. Having mulled it over for a minute (which I spent nervously glancing over my shoulder) he eventually made a decision.
"I'll let you through on one condition."
"Anything," I replied desperately.
"You must answer this riddle - what is bigger than a mountain, yet smaller a mouse. Bluer than the ocean, yet greener the grass. Louder than a really loud noise, yet quieter than something that makes no sound...."
The spider continued in much this vane but I soon lost concentration. I was terrible at riddles at the best of times, but with the fear of the current situation I found myself in, I didn't stand a chance. Surely it wouldn't be long now until the naan bread monster came round the corner and finished me off...

Just then, I heard a small voice from off to the side of the tunnel.
"I can help. I know the answer."
I looked to where the voice had come from and saw, hidden in the shadows a small green alligator. Could this day get any stranger?!

The spider was still droaning on with his riddle, seemingly oblivious to the new arrival.
"...wetter than water, yet drier than a towel..."
"Ok then, what is it?" I whispered to the alligator.
"What's what?"
"The answer!"
"Ahh yes, sorry, I thought you were talking about something else."
"What else could I possibly be talking about?! We've just met each other 15 seconds ago and the only thing we've spoken about is the answer to the riddle!"
"Good point!" the alligator said, chuckling to himself. He may have offered to save my life, but he was already beginning to annoy me.
"What is it then?"
He gave me a blank look, and I seriously thought that he was going to tell me he'd forgotten what we'd been talking about again, or that he didn't actually know the answer to the question, but that he knew a purple goblin who might. Just when I was about to throttle him, he piped up.
"It's an Octopus."
"What?"
"The answer to the riddle, its an Octopus."
"How is it an Octopus?! That makes no sense."
"I don't know. I don't even know what an Octopus is. But it was me who told the spider the riddle in the first place. I made it up!" Th alligator looked very pleased with himself. "I'm good at making up riddles."
Deciding that I didn't have any other options (and not wanting to shatter the simple looking alligator's illusions) I turned to the spider and repeated the answer.

The spider looked at me. "On Octopus?!" it said, it a tone that made me feel incredibly stupid. Why had I listened to the alligator, and its clearly ridiculous answer.
"You're right!! How did you get that? That's one of my more difficult riddles."
"Lucky guess I suppose. So will you let me through now?" I was impatient at the best of times. This was torture for me.
"I suppose so," said the spider reluctantly, "although Regie will never forgive me."
And with a shrug of his spider shoulders, he began to unravel his web.

Two minutes later, he was still unravelling. The cackle of the naan bread monster echoed through the tunnel - he was very close now.
"I'm going as fast as I can," the spider protested when I screamed at him to hurry up. "Blimey, you'd think you'd be a bit more grateful considering I'm saving your life!"
Not at this rate, I thought to myself.

Just when i thought it was all over, and the naan bread monster would catch me before the spider had even unravelled one-eighth of his web, the alligator, who I'd completely forgotten about, came out of the shadows and made a running leap at the spider's web. I didn't think, I just jumped through the whole that he had made in it. The spider let out a high pitched, geordie accented, scream.
"Follow me" shouted the alligator, and not knowing what else to do, I did.
"I owe you one," I gratefully said to the Alligator as we ran quickly into the gloomy tunnel, away from the advancing naan bread monster and the distraught spider.
"Well, two actually, but let's not get pedantic about these things," the alligator replied.
I didn't feel like I could argue and so I just followed him. Wherever he was taking me surely couldn't be as worse than being eaten alive by a giant naan bread, or bored to death by a riddling spider.

Unfortunately, it was. Much worse.

But I'm afraid that will have to be a tale for another day...